I love the sound of summer rain. It is raining, today, and the sound is a comfort as well as a reminder of that time moves on, at least.
It rained in Finland on the last day, so much that it was as if the heavens had opened. We overslept and there was much hurried packing and fluttering about, and some panic over the misbehaviour of technology, but eventually it co-operated and I got to meet Aivopesty! After getting lost a bit, of course, as is my way, but eventually there was less rain and much more cake and the meeting of one more lovely lovely person (she brought me a card with an elephant, and now my fridge is more beautiful than ever!), and it was a day of happiness and rainy summer.
I miss it, a lot. I was so happy there, all of the days, and it made me realise that I would be happier in another place, in a place with less people to fear, a place where some people I fear would not know how to find me. Over there, I had no one to fear and I had never, ever felt so free, and it was wonderful, and even though Mira smokes and sometimes smells faintly of it it was easier for me to breathe than ever.
It was not just that I had days of living in a house full of women, eating chocolate all throughout the weekend and spending it surrounded by beautiful art and talking about art and comparing techniques to achieve this effect or that and that might just be the perfect environment for me; it was not just that I had so much that made me happy. It was also what I did not have, and I realised then what a huge part of my life fear is. Of course there is a never ending, ever growing thing, this facing of daylight horrors, when I live so close to the centre of the source of so much. I could feel it so much, the difference when I landed, back again so close, too close, because then that tight knot of fear that I had been without for days returned, and ever since I have been so sad and wanting to go away more than ever.
I think that I need to move to be able to be well. I am not sure where or how because I will need to find a new job somewhere else first, and then I will probably need to sell of pieces from my collection to fund the move (also, no way I can transport it all as is) and it is not going to be soon, but it is something I need and want to do. It is bittersweet, in a way, because I do not have only bad things here, but I feel like I have found an important piece of a difficult puzzle.
And I feel joyful about that realisation. I do not feel well in general, but that realisation brings me more hope; I might have found another way out, and there simply has to be joy in that, whatever else it has to share heart space with.
This past weekend was one of happiness, and it was filled with beauty, and it was summer. It is summer and so every day should feel like summer, but it felt so much like summer in the way that you will remember a summer after it has ended; the kind of days that will linger in your memory more than others.
Mira and Emilia picked us up at the airport in and old, run-down car, red with a cracked wind-shield and damaged seat belts, a car only suited for slowly driving around the countryside if it has to be driven at all. It was the first time I have ever ridden a car without having a seatbelt on, and it felt like summer. We rolled the windows down and I breathed in the wind and the scent of all the flowers lining the roads, and my head was full of summer. We went slowly due to the seatbelt situation and it allowed me to drink in all the beauty of a new place and the season both, and my heart came alive with a joy I had not felt for too long.
We stayed at a summer house with three rooms, and I slept in the lightest, brightest one, with a big window with a blooming white lilac outside. The nights never got dark and so I could listen to the birds singing as I fell asleep, and breathe in the scent of my favourite flower even in sleep.
In the mornings there were open windows, squirrels and birds, and time spent with friends. As the day went on I gained new ones, and I was happy. We ate lunch out in the garden and spoke with different accents about the same things that we all love, and Mira went inside to get me a hat to shield me from the sun. I let my hair down to be able to keep it on and felt like someone could paint a picture of us, and it would be the very image of summer. We were the very image of summer, then, as I see it and want to remember it; so many different people in the sun and the grass, coming together to share something loved.
I loved the people and I loved the art. Oh, all the art! The sculptures and the paintings, all the new styles I had not seen before, and we admired each others’ work and each others’ favourites, and I fell in love with a model made by a new friend, and before she had to leave at the end of the show she sold it to me and I will keep it forever. I wrote down names and addresses, I found beauty in art as well as people. Everyone had their own brand of it, so many different kinds of breathtaking. I was not only at peace, I was surrounded by joy; my own and others’, the best kind, the shared kind.